The only certainty is uncertainty

TL/DR: To hold opposing ideas in equal measure/possibility is to embrace uncertainty. And to practice not worrying about which one it will be.

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Uncertainty. Like impending rain clouds threatening to thwart our best laid plans. Rain clouds that wash away the walls we put up to “protect” ourselves, helping us uncover our truest selves, and leaving a double rainbow just for kicks.

I hear a lot of talk online about all of the uncertainties surrounding the pandemic. It’s true, there are a hundred and one uncertainties about when business resumes, when schools resume, how the virus will play out over time, when toilet paper will be back in stock, and so on. Here’s the thing, the unknowns are very real, and can weigh heavily on those less practiced in uncertainty. But for anyone who has truly embraced uncertainty (usually not by choice), they will tell you, everything is uncertain, all the time. It doesn’t mean big changes don’t or can’t weigh heavily on that person’s heart and mind, it means they more practiced in accepting that heaviness and moving forward without fear anyway. It means that accepting reality allows them to pivot and shed what isn’t serving them. It means it’s OK to feel however you feel and not push those emotions away. The emotional heaviness of the pandemic doesn’t come from new uncertainties unfolding, but rather in the quick shift away from the routines and structure we were used to. It’s the sudden loss of everything you held to be true and certain. It’s the awareness of the sudden loss of everything you held to be true and certain. You are awake to the true uncertainty of life.

The bloodwork I get every 3 months to check my tumor markers perfectly sums up the experience of uncertainty, though the 3 month mark is ironically consistent. I am never certain what my results will be, even when I feel well and healthy. I can hope that my tumor markers remained consistent, but it is critical I acknowledge that my tumor markers might have increased. I am doing myself a disservice if I ignore it. But here’s the kicker, and why uncertainty is a practice, I need to acknowledge it without dwelling on it. The trick is having the presence to see the equal yet opposing possible outcomes and simply allow them all to exist. To not expect one over the other. Again, you can prefer one over the other, but not push away the unsavory option as though that will keep it at bay. It’s like you’re on a park bench with a stable tumor friend on your right and a growing tumor friend on your left; both equally likely to get up and leave the bench at any point or turn to you and start chatting, but only time will tell what will play out.

Of course, there are assumptions and expectations that keep the (non-pandemic) world moving along: work will commence each weekday at the same time, the stores will have fully-stocked shelves, and, especially in Los Angeles, the sun will shine tomorrow. But in reality, none of those are givens. The expectation and anticipation helps us plug right along without cognitive dissonance holding us hostage, but if you take a step back, they are simply that, expectations based on prior experience. Our brain adjusts to baselines over time, which create assumptions and familiarity. That adjustment to a baseline allows us to feel safe and secure. It’s pretty handy as far as evolution goes. I would argue that there is definitely a healthy level of safe and secure; one that allows us to feel openness in the present moment, where the future doesn’t hold uncertainty about the basic necessities like food, clothing, and shelter. But at some point we reach a tipping point, where our assumptions about tomorrow spill over into everything, clouding out reality. That the plans we made will necessarily play out as we want and expect. But then the diagnosis comes or the car accident happens or the pandemic spikes. The pandemic showed up like an earthquake, interrupting everyone and shaking us to our core. The first several weeks of this pandemic, were fret with anxieties about the basics: food, clothing, and shelter. And while that stress continues for a huge number of people, there has also been a phase two, where other levels of worries joined in.

For those of you who do have access to consistent food, shelter, and clothing to the extent that our food supply chains are still generally intact, the heaviness of the pandemic changes stem from changes in work, child care, and activity. A heaviness from being forced into a situation that doesn’t allow you to feel like the fully expressed version of yourself, going to dinners with friends, hiking new trails, dropping your kids off at school, jetsetting, or even simply walking down the street to the gym each day. It’s OK and necessary to mourn those favorite routines and activities that are unaccessible right now. It’s OK to feel sad, unmotivated, depressed, happy, hopeful, joyful, indifferent, numb. All of the things, as long as you let yourself really feel them. No emotion lasts forever, good or bad. And you can choose to intentionally engage in activities or thoughts that bring you ease and joy. When you’re focused on the present moment, the future doesn’t dominate the internal conversation. The beauty of uncertainty is that it brings importance to the moments of ease and joy. And honestly, it is liberating. When you can find the space in uncertainty to be in the present moment, you don’t have to worry about the past or the future, you only have to choose what brings you ease and joy in each moment.

All of this to say, people keep saying things like “everything in my life is uncertain right now,” to which I want to say, everything in your life is always uncertain. Right now, it is just glaringly so, because we’re reeling in the trauma of having the proverbial rug pulled out from under us. Eventually we’ll return to place where work in an office can be expected every day, where toilet paper can be expected on the shelves again, where school resumes again outside of your home. But we will return with a deep knowing that nothing is certain. Please do not worry more because of this, as this has always been reality, you are simply tuning into it. It’s important to make plans, dream big, hope for the moon, but to also know that whatever comes your way, you can handle, and eventually you’ll come out on the other side living your best life. Let your new found awareness open your mind to holding opposing possibilities for the future. Let it show you how to be grateful for each thing every moment you have it, because it’s the only moment that matters. That’s the double rainbow!