Perfectionism is rooted in outcomes
TL/DR: Perfectionism insists that you focus on the future to obsessively control an outcome or else. But I offer this to you: there’s a way to work towards an outcome without grasping so hard to it. 100% effort doesn’t always mean 100% and trust me when I say that it’s truly A-OK.
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Outcome is defined by Merriam-Webster as “something that follows as a result or consequence.” It’s impossible to live life without outcomes, but it is possible to live without obsessing about them. The critical distinction is that you can want and work towards a specific outcome without trying to control it. Controlling the outcome is a slippery slope. It breeds perfectionism.
I used to be a perfectionist. I now consider my perfectionism under control. In remission, if you will. Growing up, the schools I attended were rigorous and expected a lot. There was immense competition between students to be the best. And even when you weren’t competing directly against another student, you held yourself to an incredibly high standard. In fact, some kid hacked the school system just to find out his class rank, a list that was otherwise unpublished to avoid complete and utter meltdowns. On one hand, I’m incredibly grateful for the rigor, but on the other, it reinforced this idea of attaining perfection, or completing something to 100% satisfaction.
I mean, it’s no wonder I was so gosh-darn sweaty in high school. Between hormones and the sheer amount of pressure, I’m surprised we all held it together as much as we did. In each class, we were expected to give 110% in order to receive as close to 100% as we could. As adult life can confirm, trying to give 110% to every single hobby, sport, class, moment in your life just makes you burned out, not perfect.
While some of us high-achievers could keep a majority of the plates spinning, every now and then, one came crashing down.
For me, that plate crashing was calculus class senior year of high school. I had a fantastic teacher. To date, one of my all time favorite teachers. He was kind, patient, joyful, and enthusiastic. No matter how many lunch hours he helped me work through our homework or talk through problem sets, I just could not get my interest in calculus to match with the outcome of my tests. In other words, it didn’t seem to matter how many hours I put in or how interested I was in learning, I could hardly scrape by with a passing grade. And honestly, the passing grade was only because my teacher was so gracious about the mistakes I made on my tests. My 100% effort suddenly would not and could not yield a 100% outcome.
I could either fret about it, beating myself up for not being good enough, or I could start to shift my narrative that when I was giving 100%, that’s what mattered. That giving 100% effort was enough. This was the very beginning of my relationship with “good enough.”
It would take me many more years of overworking to realize that 100% effort looks different, as well. 100% effort doesn’t mean you’re contributing at full force 365 days a year. It means that you’re contributing to the best of your current capabilities and abilities at any given moment. That might not be your overall best effort, but it’s the best you can offer at the time. This mindset acknowledges that being a human includes ebbs and flows. Even the most intense, intelligent, productive people have periods of less rigor, enthusiasm, and energy. The Energizer Bunny runs out of battery eventually.
Acknowledging your human needs can feel like a burden or a chore to someone in full perfectionism. Being a perfectionist is to not acknowledge low points, because they feel like a failure or a problem, rather than a natural cycle. In many ways it feels easier to focus on being a perfectionist, often by staying as busy as possible, than it feels to slow down and confront yourself. I feel this is in large part because we basically learn perfectionism in school, but we don’t learn how to slow down. What’s more terrifying than launching off into uncharted territory where who knows what the outcome will be? (I mis-typed this as terror-tory, but maybe that’s actually right?) Particularly for a perfectionist, uncertainty is the natural born enemy. As you learned in my post about uncertainty, the only certainty is in fact uncertainty. For some reason, perfectionism likes to pretend like it’s not subject to that reality.
If you are in the throes of perfectionism still and overwhelmed by it, fear not, there is so much satisfaction in slowing down. There is so much pride in “good enough.” When you learn to slow down and listen to yourself, you learn to take care of yourself. You learn what actually matters and what deserves 100% effort. You learn that good enough requires no validating outcome, and how wonderfully liberating that feels.
Of course, when you’re working towards a goal, the hope is that you’ve set yourself up with the right systems and mindset to achieve said goal. It’s not about giving up on that goal. “Good enough” is about knowing that you’ve put in as much effort and resources as your current tank allows, and that whatever happens, the outcome will be what it will be. Often times, once you’ve slowed down, you achieve more of your goals, because you have the time to incorporate realistic and sustainable changes and efforts. Being a perfectionist is what keeps you from yourself.
Perfectionism is an offshoot of anxiety, as I see it. It’s telling yourself that your self-worth is directly tied to an outcome that honestly doesn’t relate to you. It tells you that you need to focus on that future outcome in order to ensure that it happens. Perfectionism blinds you into ignoring the present moment, which is a shame because most positive emotions live only in the present moment. It follows that perfectionism does not allow for joy, ease, or even prolonged happiness. Yes, there is a sense of deep accomplishment when the outcome happens exactly as you intended it, but is that really happiness?
If perfectionism rules your life right now, take a moment to consider the possibilities of “good enough.” You’ll probably find that your “good enough” is light years more than sufficient, and honestly if wherever you are can’t appreciate that, I need to have a frank call with them. “Good enough” means that you have time to take care of yourself, to explore hobbies and things that bring you joy, and brings the importance of life back to the present moment.
Please join me in being part of the “good enough” club. Let’s leave perfection in the past.
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